Okay, this will be quick. I am not dwelling on it, and I know God will give me the strength I need when the time comes, but how is this baby every going to make its way out of me?? Silly question, I know, as it is inevitable, but at times a bit of panic takes over when I really think about it. How could I possibly ever be prepared for pain that up until now I have never been even close to experiencing? I watch A Baby Story on tv, which i should probably stop doing. ha! Don't get me wrong, some of the stories are amazing and the births seem completely doable and everything goes off without a hitch. However, other episodes freak the crap out of me. Some of these women are screaming their heads off and it honestly looks like the pain may kill them! I guess it is good to be realistic with myself and realistic with my fears. I don't have it all together and I do have anxieties for what is to come. The point is that I need to remember that it is okay. It is okay to be anxious. I have acknowledged it and now I can choose not to dwell on it. I choose instead to focus on the love I have for our little Tavian. I want to meet him, and hold him and see his face, and I do believe any amount of suffering will be worth it! Yes, that is what I choose to dwell on :)
On that same note, I watched my birth video again a few weeks ago. It really should serve as a costant source of strength, and if I look to anything as an example, that should be it. My mother, although more experienced considering i was number 5, handled everything so calmly and happily..and without meds! She had so many people in the room, including all of my siblings, and she was just so at ease and so focused on the goal of being there: Me! As she sarted to push and was clearly in pain, instead of yelling or panicking, she just began to talk to me and pray for me. "God, please bless my baby." I love her so much and I would love to have her there beside me in the room, continuing to pray for me as she did the day she brought me into the world. No, she won't physically be there. But her prayers from heaven are probably far more focused and intent then they would be here, and her strength will be with me! Yes, I don't have to see her to know she is there! Lets be honest, she wouldn't miss her Grandsons birth for anything!
This felt good...panic gone :)
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