Lacy...

January of 2003 changed my life.  It changed the lives of many people I know.  Lacy was taken from us...brutally taken.  I watched as my sister, my best friend, suffered while there was absolutely nothing I could do for her.  The events itself seem so long ago, yet the feelings associated with them are easily brought back.  I remember merely existing through that time...I still "participated" in life, but more as an empty shell.  I remember retreating from friends, crying (often times in class without a moments notice), being scared to drive alone at night, and it was also the one time in my life where I was really angry at God.  I didn't understand how something so horrible could happen to someone I loved.  Yes, I had already lost many loved ones at that point in my life, but the way in which Lacy died made the experience entirely different.  My life's theme song at the time was "Unwell" by Matchbox 20. 

I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
Just stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, Me

A year after her death I wrote a poem for an English class.  I'll warn you, it's not a happy poem!  But, life isn't always happy, and I think it is far better to be honest! (I never titled the poem)

It's here again
this month I dread,
The one of pain,
I can't seem to move ahead.

A year ago,
So much has happened,
Yet I still feel her,
My angel in the wind.

Do they remember?
Or for them is it over?
If so they are mistaken,
Maybe I am the only one sober.

I wish I could forget,
This month's events,
But the things I try don't help,
Not the tears I cry, not the words I vent.

My life seems pulled together,
Doing much better then before,
I'm scared of what January may bring back,
I can't take that heartache anymore.

I don't want it to bring back the nightmare,
I still see his face sometimes at night,
So tall, massive, and heartless,
There is no way she could've put up a fight.

But I know there is light after dark,
For February is the month to follow,
I look forward to the light coming again,
My heart won't feel so hollow.

Yes, she's in Heaven now,
Forever free from harm,
Eyes brightly shining and smile huge,
Held safe in her Maker's arms.


Today I am thinking of Lacy.  I am thinking of her family and of my sister.
Lacy you are missed :)

One of my fav. pics of Amanda, my sister Andrea, Lacy, and Angela.