Not Going to Sugar Coat

Yesterday I attended the funeral of Austin Powers.  He was 24 years old and died of a Heroin overdose.  I can't say that I knew him well or we were good friends, but his mom is my dad's girlfriend so we have definitively been at the same place at the same time.  The funeral was very sad.  I cried pretty much through the entire thing.  My heart aches for his mother, sister, fiance, and almost one year old son who will be feeling the consequences of his death for the rest of their lives.  So very sad.
But it was also sad for other reasons.  It was also sad because everyone seemed to be sugar coating the reality of the situation.  I heard what a big heart Austin had, I heard many stories about what a loving person he was and how much he would be missed, and I heard about how he was in a better place and would be looking down on all of us with love.  I am not denying these things or saying they shouldn't have been said.  But it makes me very sad that nobody seemed to address that this kid was suffering.  No he didn't purposefully kill himself.  But anyone engaging in heroine is engaging in suicidal behavior.  He was very aware of its toxicity, especially having lost two of his closest friends from his "crew" the exact same way in the recent past.  And that is what just kills me about this situation.  Isn't anybody angry?  Doesn't anyone want to say enough is enough?  Ben Brooksmith died a similar death, and his father spoke at Austin's funeral.  But I don't think the teachable moment was used to its potential.  He had every opportunity to get up there and say he was angry.  He could say he was angry that his son had died in vain because no one was learning anything from it. That he was angry because he loved Austin so much yet found himself at another funeral.
Austin had demons.  Real, live demons in his life that were out to destroy him.  And they won.  And nobody wants to acknowledge it.  He wanted out.  The week before he died he had his phone number changed because he wanted to get help and go to rehab but he was constantly being contacted and tormented and unable to break free from the toxic people in his life.  I looked at his "crew" and saw a bunch of people who just didn't get it.  Do I doubt that they loved him?  Of course not.  Do I doubt that they love each other?  Of course not.  But when will we realize that some relationships, despite the love or good intention, are toxic?  You don't lose three friends to overdosing on drugs if everything is honkey dorey.
I know this probably won't be a popular post.  I know some people may even be angry.  But I needed to say it  I needed to address the elephant that sat in the room today that everyone wants to ignore.  One of the songs that was played during the slide show even glorified drug use.  I'm sorry but I just don't get it.  Why would you remember someone with a song that glorifies the very thing that stole them from this world.  The very thing they were battling every day and tormented them in life?
I don't understand.  What I do understand is that a little boy is going to grow up without a father.  And that is an  injustice.
The following song has been making a big impact on my life lately.  After Austin's death I listened to it on repeat because I think it says a lot.

It is a constant reminder to me and Cole that we need to be vigilant in our lives.  That we need to be vigilant in our childrens lives.  Cole and I won't wake up tomorrow divorced.  Tavian won't suddenly wake up at age 14 and be in the wrong crowd.  It is a constant, often slow, progression of our individual choices that lead us to a place we don't want to be.  And by the time we are there it is often too late.
Be watchful in your life and in the lives of those you love.  It is a slow fade.

A Special Night

As I continue to get closer to delivering the new baby, I also continue to get more emotional about my time with Tavian.  I have to believe this is only natural.  Of course I am excited and happy about the new baby coming, but there is something special about my relationship with Tavian and sometimes it is hard to acknowledge how it is going to be different.  I haven't spent as much consecutive one on one time with anyone else before in my life...except maybe my own mom...and I probably never will again except for maybe when Cole and I are retired.  It is such a special bond that the two of us have.  Just me and him all day together.  Laughing, cuddling, loving.  

Anyway, a few weeks ago Cole, Tavian and I decided to make some fun treats together.  They are delicious chocolate covered pretzels that look like bones (in honor of Halloween).  In the midst of having such special, fun time together, I just started balling.  I just wanted to pause time and remember every moment of it.  I don't like Tavian to see me cry so I got up from the table for a moment, but then I decided I would embrace this time and help ensure that I remembered it forever.  So I stopped my tears and had Cole take some pictures.  (tear soaked face and all!)

Please note that I am very aware of the fact that I look like a hot mess!  But that was kind of the point.  It was just a very real, special moment, and the photos will always help me remember the struggle between anticipation for the changes to come, while cherishing this special time alone with Tavian.

For those of you moms who have more then one child...tell me I'm not crazy :)

A Day in the Life

Please note I wrote this in early June! A lot is different these days...I may even be writing another version of this soon to keep trach of the changes!

I have been meaning to write a post about the day in the life of me and Tavian for a very long time now. My friend Courtney posted about it a long time ago and wrote about what life is like as a newlywed with her and her hubs. It made me really sad I didn't do that when it was just Cole and I because I realized that for the life of me it is so very difficult to picture life before Tavian. What on earth did Cole and I do with our time??!? Lol!

It made me realize I may have that same feeling one day looking back on this time with just Cole, Tavian, and me. And it made me really want to write down what our life is like now so I will always be able to remember this special moment in time.

(this will proabably be boring for others, so I will not be offended at all if you stop reading now)

Tavian is my alarm clock every day. He wakes up at 7. Cole is usually off for work by 6:45, much earlier if he is working out that day or riding his bike to work. I love the sounds of my little baby first waking up. He is usually jabbering away and always standing in his crib waiting for me to come in. I turn on the light and sing our "Good Morning" song as I walk across the room to pick up my smiley baby.

First things first. We change his diaper. Then, there are two options. We either rush a bit getting dressed and eating breakfast if we are going to 8am mass, or we have more of a liessurly morning. We make our way downstairs, saying hi to the picture of Nana on the way, and I start making breakfast for us. We usually have some combination of yoghurt, toast, pancakes, scrambled eggs, fruit, bagels, and he loves to eat grapefruit in the morning. He may even have an entire grapefruit by himself!!

After breakfast, if not going to church, Tavian usually plays while I clean everything up. I say usually because sometimes he is a little more wanting for attention, but most of the time he lets me get stuff done as he plays in the kitchen cabinets. We usually read books, maybe start a load of laundry, and get ready to put him down for his first nap at around 9 or 930. He is adorable at naptime and follows me around with his blankie saying "nigh nigh".

His first nap is usually an hour and a half to two hours. I should use this time to get stuff done around the house but I usually don't. I rest, get on the computer and blog :). take a shower and get dressed, etc. Sometimes I nap or read. I try to really embrace the downtime.

Tavian usally wakes up around 11. The options for the day really vary. It is usually either a play date with friends, a picnic with Daddy, chores around the house, playing at the park or in the backyard, or going swimming. We always have at least 1 play date a week, usually 2, and Cole's mom tries to come and spend some time with us on Fridays. usually once a week Tavian also goes to my friends mom's house for two hours to give me time to get my studying done. Since the weather has been nice it has been wonderful letting Tavian play. Lately I have been giving him lunch picnic style in the back while he is playing (makes clean up a lot easier!)

Tavian goes back down for his second nap around 2 or 230 and usually sleeps for an hour. This is the time I usually try to get things ready for dinner. I don't usually start dinner, but I decide what to make and get things prepped so it is easier later.

Tavian is always up from his nap by 4 cause I wake him up if he hasn't woken on his own yet. We go downstairs and work on dinner together. This can be a tricky time of day because he doesn't want to be set down, but making dinner with him in my arms is not only difficult but very time consuming.

When the clock gets close to 430 Tavian and I are out the door to play on the porch or driveway and wait for Daddy to get home. This is one of the best parts of the day because we are both so excited for Daddy, and I love how wanted and loved Cole feels with us waiting for him on his arrival. We usually try to eat dinner as soon as Cole is home. Definately by 5. Then I usually take on clean up (which isn't that fun, but Tavian is attached to Cole and won't let him do anything but play with him). I listen to the laughter from Cole and Tavian as they play and finish getting the dinner mess taken care of. Then we usually go for a bike ride, or all play together as a family, or get a project done around the house, and we always walk to the mail box together. This is our fun family down time together.

At 630 we head upstairs for bath time. Cole always gives Tavian his bath in our master bathroom while I lay on our bed and relax. It is nice for me to be off my feet but I still get to watch and participate. When bath is over Cole and I both get Tavian ready for bed. We get his pajamas on and get his blankie and lovies and usually read a few books together. Then Tavian and I get into the rocking chair in his room, we turn on his fan and turn off the light, and I feed him his bottle. Sometimes Cole does this, but usually it is me. Cole comes and gives him kisses and always tells him how much he loves him, blesses him with Holy Water, and always says how proud he his of him. While I feed Tavian the bottle I pray aloud. I start by singing the Hail Mary and then I just pray. I pray for my beautiful son and for his future. I thank God for the gift of Tavian. I pray that I am a loving, patient mother to him. I pray for my unborn child who is growing in my womb. And I pray and give thanks for my husband and our marriage. Tavian just drinks his bottle and listens to every word I say! This is such a special time with him. I hope to never lose the memory of this time as it truly brings so much joy into my heart.

After Tavian finishes his bottle I give him his binkie and we cuddle while I sing him lullabies. I ususally always sing Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks, Tura Lura Lura, usually a few random others, and I always end with You Are My Sunshine. I tell him how much I love him, kiss him over and over, and lay him in his crib.

It is a beautiful life with beautiful people and I will always treasure this time!

(if you are interested, below is the Godspeed song by the Dixie Chicks. It is beautiful!)

http://youtu.be/VqaBof47pmY

Reflections on 9-11

Everyone talks about where they were and what they remember from September 11, 2001.  Like most people, I can remember exactly where I was.  I was in 10th grade at Rocky Mountain High School and I was in Mr. Richmond's English class.  I remember that we didn't do any school work but instead Mr. Richmond had the tv turned on and we were all glued to it.  I have to say that I was pretty naive at that time in my life, and although I was horrified by what I saw, I realize now that I had no real perspective on the situation.  And maybe I haven't for the past ten years.

  

All I know is that over the tenth anniversary of 9-11 I watched as much coverage/remembrance programs as I could.  And I still can't put out of my mind the things that I saw.  It is crazy to me that our Nation lived through it.  It is crazy that it happened in my lifetime.  I sat there watching in disbelief...it felt more like a fiction movie.  Does that stuff really happen?!?  I'm sorry if I sound ridiculous, but I think it just hit home for me more then it has in the past.  And I think I am at an age where I can grasp it more fully then I was able to as a sophomore in High School.

All of the stories were touching.  I can't imagine what it is really like for those individuals who experienced that day and lived to tell about it.  I mean how crazy to have actually been there.  And when I say crazy, I of course also mean horrifying.  As sad and horrible as it was to hear all of the stories of loss, it was also so crazy to hear those remarkable/miraculous stories about individuals who survived despite being on the 97th floor and having been directly affected by the initial impact of the plane.  Who would have thought survival even possible?  

One of the things that really broke my heart was the recordings of people calling 911.  One woman was panicked and saying she didn't want to die and that she was scared.  The responder told her to stay calm and lay on the floor to be protected from smoke and that help was on the way.  I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know the responder thought she was doing a good job.  But Cole and I both were yelling at the tv, "tell them to get out of there.  Tell them to find a way out or they will die!"  And that is what is so sad.  Nobody thought the buildings were going to collapse.  Cole remembers someone doing a project on 9-11 in one of his engineering classes, and he remembers hearing that the buildings were supposed to be able to support that kind of attack and fire.  And if they hadn't collapsed many more lives would have been saved.  My heart aches for those who believed they could wait and get help.  And for those firemen who thought they had more time!

I also had a really hard time listening to the stories of the families who lost loved ones on the United 193 flight.  It was heartbreaking to hear about the phone calls from the plane and the final goodbyes.  But at the same time, it would be amazing to be related to such selfless and brave people who were willing to give their lives for the sake of others.  Many more lives would have been taken if that flight hadn't crashed into a field.  It is so terrifying to think of how they must have been feeling...

I know this post sounds like a downer, but really I am just so humbled by the stories of courage/sacrifice/hope/and loss that I heard about over the tenth anniversary of 9-11.  As much as it was difficult and for as many tears that I shed, I felt like I really needed to absorb all of it.  I didn't necessarily want to watch, but I felt I owed it to those who had a story to tell.  We owe it to them to not turn our backs even though it is hard to hear about.  It is the least we can do.

Thank you Lord for my life.  Thank you for my family and friends.  I pray for all those who lost their life that day, and all the families who are still grieving.  And I thank God for all those who sacrificed on the behalf of others.  

August Round Up

Well, in typical Caitlin style, here I am ready to give you all a quick review of my life in August.  It is like watching in fast forward...it moves much more quickly but you still get the gist ;)

Did I ever mention I chopped my hair?!?  Well, I did.  And best of all, I LOVE it!  The following picture was a (poor) attempt to show what it looks like now.  The problem is that from the front it doesn't look very different at all, because it is a long a-line and I kept the length in the front the same.  But the back is really short and it has made life so much easier for me.  I can really embrace my natural curl and my getting ready routine consists of getting out of the shower, putting two products in my hair, and I'm on my way.  No blow dryer no nothing.  Who could ask for more??...especially since I'm a mom and have zero time to spend on getting myself ready.  You may be able to notice throughout the rest of the pics of the month, but I think you can really only get the full affect in person.  So come visit me :)

In early August we had a visit from our wonderful friends Shannon and Austin.  We love to try and get together every few months, and we were so happy they were willing to come and visit.  We love spending time with them, and it was great that they were able to see how big Tavian has gotten!

Tavian loved having them read books with him.

I love this girl!  I just wish we lived closer!!!

The boys

I also was thrilled to get together with two of my great friends from High School, Melissa and Rachel.  I love these girls so much and I always look forward to the rare occasions where we are able to get together.  Melissa lives in Hawaii so it isn't very often that the chances come along.  Thanks for all the laughs, ladies :)  (oh, and trust me that i know my stomach looks pretty big in this picture...I'm blaming it on the angle and striped shirt!..lol)

In mid-August we were able to participate in the Lindgren's 2nd Annual Green Egg Fest.  Have you all heard of a Green Egg?  It is supposedly an amazing grill that looks just like a green egg.  It is a huge deal in the Lindgren (my sister, Sarah's) household.  Basically they invite a huge number of people over to eat delicious food, and my brother-in-law and his friends make different foods on the Eggs and their have judges decide whose was the best.  It is really fun, and I should have taken more pictures of the food because there was so much and it was all so good!  I contributed spinach artichoke dip in a bread bowl..yum!

My sister's kiddos made a cute banner for the occasion

um..excuse me tavian..what do you think you are doing?

My brother-in-law, Chris...aka, The Chef!

I love this guy!

Cole was trying to get a pic of my hair

 At the end of August there was a big change.  One of my besties since high school, Elissa, aka Little Red, left for Boston to go to Graduate School.  We are all so excited for her and this new chapter in her life, but it is definitely a big change.  Ames, Elissa, and I have all been best friends since senior year of high school, and we have been pretty inseparable in recent years.  You may remember me talking about our weekly get togethers, but now Monday nights aren't quite the same without Liss.  We had a little goodbye dinner together at Cafe Vino (love that place!).  Although it was a sad occasion, we still had a good time and we always love having a reason to get all dressed up!

We're the three best friends that anyone could have...the three best friends that anyone could have...

You are missed, my friend, but I know you'll be back before I know it :)

Ames and I had to get a "cute shoe" photo!  (I'm on the left!)

Liss and I had one last good bye at my house so she could see Tavian

Let me tell you how rare it is to get a cute picture like this with Tavian actually smiling at the camera!!!

 Although the following isn't necessarily an event, it has been a common occurance in our household.  Tavian has recently become obsessed with Forts.  He goes and gets blankets and brings them to me saying, "fort, fort."  It is super cute!  I love watching him have so much fun!

One of the many forts we have built for Tavian

My happy boy!

Two weekends ago we attended once of Cole's cousins weddings.  It was a nice time getting to visit with all of the extended family!

My handsome baby!

Such a great picture of Cole with his older brother, Luke

Cole and Tavian with Luke and his daughter, Bella.
It is not an easy task getting a good picture with two fiesty kiddos!

Cole was showing Tavian the ducks

One happy family!

Last weekend we were happy to participate in Highlands Scottish/Irish Festival in Estes Park for the third year in a row.  We are clan "Rutherford" (my maiden name) and it is always so fun to get to walk and be a part of the parade!  Sad to say I only took the following two pictures, but hopefully my cousin will tag me on facebook with a picture of the entire clan :)

That is a camel...how cool is that?

And this was just too cute and funny not to share!

Please take note of Tavian's rock hard and chiseled calves and quads!  Holy Moly!

Thank you all for reading..it probably wasn't quite as quick as you would have liked!  I'm sure I left some stuff out, but I'll quit while I'm ahead :)

Get Ready to Smile

There is something about hearing a baby laugh that instantly brings joy to the heart.  And Tavian's laugh is especially precious! (do I sound like his mom, or what??)

Apparently there is something funny about the word "Bummer!"

Enjoy:)

Naked babies are even cutest kind!

Tag!

Thank you to Kari for tagging me!  I really needed to be pushed to publish another blog, and this is much easier then coming up with something on my own!  Enjoy:)..and sorry about the crazy fonts..not sure what is going on!

What's your occupation right now? I am currently a stay at home mom! (but I also just started doing massage therapy on the side)  It is really exciting to get to give massages out of my home, but not have it interrfere with any of my time with Tavian!

What are you listening to right now? I am actually listening to songs from Les Miserable.  I started to crave it when I just saw online that they are going to make a movie out of it, and Hughe Jackman is starring in it...:)

What was the last thing you ate? Shoot...I should have filled this out sooner.  I totally just ate chocolate cake...straight out of the pan!  It was really good!

How old are you today? 25, which is really crazy to think about

What is your favorite sport to watch on tv? Hmm..I guess football?  I used to watch football a lot growing up, but to be honest we don't watch many sports here.  But we do get totally addicted to the Olympics when they are on!

Favorite drink? I love caramel frappacinos.  And I love Coke.  Caffeine free coke and I have been pretty attached all pregnancy long.  Unfortunately I feel like it is one of my main cravings.

Favorite new song? I am still obsessed with the Adelle song "Someone Like You"..it isn't new to me, but now it is on the radio all the time.  

What is the last movie you watched? I think it may have been Fever Pitch because it was on tv.  

Favorite day of the year?  I love Thanksgiving because I love all of the delicious food.  And it is just a very fun, family filled time of year.  But Christmas is pretty amazing too!

What was your favorite toy as a child? I remember being pretty obsessed with Ninja Turtles

What is your favorite season? Growing up it was always summer.  But now it is Fall.  Fall is beautiful, and it is sunny but there is a crisp in the air!  I love the fashion that goes with it too. Scarves and boots...yes please :)

Cherries or blueberries? Blueberries

When was the last time you cried? I actually had a very real dream about my mom last night and I started crying in my dream.  But somehow it made it into reality and I woke Cole up with my sobs :(

What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, shoes, and more shoes.  Other then that, the closet floor is pretty clean!

Who is the friend you have had the longest?  Obvious answer is my sister Andrea.  But besides siblings, it would have to be my good friend Joedy.  She is pretty wonderful!

What did you do last night? Cole's brother and his family came over for dinner.  We ate pizza and let the kids play, and then I gave my sister-in-law a massage.  Cole and I ended the night with some Project Runway!

How many states have you lived in? Is it bad if I just say 1?  I guess I lived in Indiana for a summer as a nanny when I was in college.  If that counts then bump that  number up to 2! 

What is your favorite kind of flower? I suppose Rose.  But I like them all!

Thanks for reading!

And I tag Kaity, Courtney, Erin and Jody.