His Ear Ache = My Heart Ache

All last week Tavian wasn't acting like himself.  I remember last weekend telling Cole that something didn't seem right and that he was acting king of crabby.  Tavian is usually such an amazing, happy little boy so him being a little crabby is hardly even noticed by other people.  But I know my son and I was sure something wasn't right, but what?? Was he teething?  Yeah, probably.  I continued to check his temperature but it was always normal.  I told Cole that maybe he was on the verge of getting sick and that he could feel it coming or something.  After days of this, and days of Cole telling me he thought he was fine (Cole constantly reminded me that he was still acting pretty happy), I started to believe it was all in my head.  Maybe he was acting normal.  Maybe I was confused and he didn't used to be happier. 
Then Friday happened.  I can't even tell you how frustrated I was.  Tavian was crying so much more then normal, and nothing seemed to be helping.  He was fighting naps and just being so difficult.  (again, i stress difficult from what I am used to...everyone else continued to tell me what a good boy he was!)  Everything came crashing down that afternoon as he was crying, and I was crying, and I had no idea what else to do.  Then I saw it.  He gave one little tug on his ear, and the mommy instinct in me started to think ear infection.  I really didn't want to go to the Dr. considering I feel like i am already there every other week, but it was Friday and I knew if it was an ear infection that it wouldn't go away on its own.  Part of me wanted to believe that he did have an ear infection so that his behavior could be explained!
It took no time at all for the Dr. to tell me that he had an ear infection.  A really bad ear infection to be exact!  My poor, poor baby.  And all week I had been complaining about how difficult he was being....when in reality, for having a bad ear infection he was actually doing really well!  Now he is on antibiotics as well as motrin for the pain.  Once he took motrin I instantly saw my happy little boy again. 
I cried in the Doctor's office when he told me it was an ear infection.  I immediately felt guilty for being so hard on him and getting so frustrated.  The truth is that on Friday (before the apt.) I wasn't a good mom.  It is easy for others to tell me, "don't be hard on yourself", "you are a great mom", "don't feel guilty", etc.  And that is all very kind...but not necessarily true.  The truth is that I failed him as a mother that day..at least for parts of it.  And it is good for me to recognize that.  It is the same way that sometimes I am a bad friend, or daughter, or a bad sister or wife.  I have failed in all of these categories, and the same goes for motherhood.  I'm not proud of it, but it is true.  I don't need to dwell on it or beat myself up, but it is important for me to recognize so that I can try to improve.  Of course i didn't do it purposefully, but I need to do better.  And hopefully with the ability to recognize it, next time I will do better!  (although I am also sure there will be next times where I fail as well...but hopefully not often!)

I am so happy that I found out what was wrong, and I am so happy he is doing better.  He still gives his ear a tug every now and again and every time it breaks my heart...

I'm sorry I wasn't the mom you deserve, Tavian, but I promise I will try and do better.  Mommy loves you!:)