Beckett's Birth Story: Part 2

If you read Part 1 of Beckett's birth story, then you know we were all feeling very ready to get the ball rolling.  God had other plans!

After I was home from the hospital with the morphine shot, everything kind of died down.  Christmas came and went and we had a wonderful time just embracing our final days with just our family of four.  It wasn't until the 29th that I started having very regular contractions again.  Once again they were strong and consistent, but still not painful.  The 29th is the feast day of St. Thomas Becket (who we were naming Beckett after), so I was really hoping he would come that day.  We were celebrating my Godson's birthday so my whole family went to Chuck E. Cheese that night.  My sister Ellen and her family came to town from Wyoming and my Aunt Sarah also flew into town that day from New Mexico.  She had come to help us with the baby...but the baby still wasn't here!  My contractions came every 5 minutes the entire time we were at Chuck E. Cheese.  But since they still weren't painful, we ultimately decided to just go home and try and get some rest.

Thankfully things finally started happening.  At around 3 that morning I finally felt the first twinge of pain with a contraction.  I turned on When Harry Met Sally and just decided to rest and relax while I waited to see if this could actually be the real thing.  The pain continued and I finally believed this was it!  God's timing is good though because it ended up being so nice not needing to call my Dad or stress about who would stay with our kids.  Since my Aunt Sarah was already in town we were able to leave for the hospital at 4:30 without hardly any fuss.  It also was nice that they could stay with her while we were in the hospital and they wouldn't need to get bounced from place to place.

We got to the hospital around 5 and our Doula (Martha) and Photographer (Ashleigh) both arrived shortly after us.  I was checked and said to still be a 4 but they said they would check me again in an hour or two and see if I had progressed.  I got into the tub right away and actually spent the first few hours of the morning having a great time with Martha and Ashleigh,  I told Cole to go lay down and get some rest since I had them there to keep me company.  I took the contractions one at a time, and in between we passed the time by looking at You Tube videos and laughing at our favorite ones.  It was honestly a great, relaxing, fun time.  And I'm glad Cole was able to get a little bit of rest.

Every so often the nurse would come into the bathroom and listen to the baby on the doppler and make sure everything still sounded ok, but for the most part I was able to do my own thing and it was really nice.  My nurse was AMAZING.  It is crazy that having a wonderful nurse makes such a difference.  My every need was taken care of without me even having to ask.  Between Cole, Martha, Ashleigh, and my nurse I felt completely pampered and cared for.  Every time I got out of the tub there was a warm towel waiting for me.  Martha made sure my favorite praise and worship songs were playing the whole time.  She made phone calls for me when I needed her, got me gum, ice chips...anything I needed was always waiting for me.  It was such a blessing.  Throughout it she was also praying a rosary for us.  I couldn't have asked for anything better!  And this made it so that Cole was available to be right there with me the whole time through every single contraction.  We both spent most of the labor in the bathtub and even though of course the contractions grew stronger, it really wasn't bad at all.  I just concentrated on my breathing and taking every contraction as it came.  Martha was great about giving me encouraging words through each contraction, and in those moments I wasn't in the bath she was helpful in putting pressure on my back with Cole.  I loved that even as the pain with the contractions grew, I was still able to laugh and talk and smile when they subsided.

During the contraction...

After the contraction!

The one fear I had was for when my water broke.  I kept telling Martha and Cole that I was scared for that.  I remember with Felicity they didn't break my water until I was a nine, but that is also when the pain began to really intensify.  I remember the intensity of pain after my water was broken with my labor with Tavian too.  I was handling the current pain so well, but the unknown had me pretty scared.  At 9 cm the nurse said my Dr. was going to come in soon and break my water.  When I told Martha I was worried about it she had the perfect response.  Not only did she say, "yeah, that is a valid concern" (she wasn't gonna feed me lies about the pain not getting worse when my water broke), but she also thankfully said, "if you don't want him to break your water, just tell him that."  I don't know why that was so freeing to hear, but I think it was the difference in my having a natural delivery.  As I said earlier, I was open to having a natural delivery, but not set on it.  If he had broken my water I know the pain would have really intensified while there was still time left to get an epidural...and I know if there was time then I probably would have done it!

Just trying to get a little sleep.  It didn't happen but I was happy to have snuggles with Cole

This was our out-of-this-world AMAZING nurse!

My amazing Doula, Martha!  She was such an absolute blessing!!

So instead of him breaking my water, I just changed positions to see if Beckett's head would fully engage.  It still was only 11am so things were progressing just fine.  Finally when I started to push my water broke a little bit, and at that point my Dr. helped break the rest of it.  And yes, things intensified!  But, just as I knew, by then it was "go time" and an epidural was no longer an option! 

I remember laboring a lot like this with Felicity too

One of the most special parts of this delivery is that my sister, Andrea, was able to be there with me.  I would have planned on her being there but I felt like it was unrealistic.  Most labors happen in the middle of the night and so I wasn't going to ask my very pregnant sister to get up in the middle of the night to come be with me.  But, the timing ended up being perfect and she was able to come right before the pushing started!

I was 9 cm dilated here...still talking and smiling in between contractions!
And happy my sister got there in time!

Up until this point the labor was smooth, and dare I say even enjoyable.  But then came the pushing.  And let me just say it was an experience like nothing I have ever, ever had.  I think there are two types of women in this world.  The ones that think labor itself is super painful, but who look forward to getting to the pushing part.  They even find pushing somewhat of a relief!  An example of that would be my sister Ellen.  She had a natural labor with her first and she has always told me that getting to 10cm dilated was the hard part, but she was so ready to push and get that baby out!  Others, like me, don't mind the laboring part.  It truly isn't that big of a deal.  Getting to ten is totally manageable.  But the pushing...oh man, the pushing.  That was the part I was scared of.  And I was right to be scared.  When I say I thought I was going to die, I mean I truly thought I was going to die!  It is unfathomable that you can survive through that pain.  I felt like I had completely lost control, was crying out, using every last ounce of strength , praying to God that I could get through it, and thinking to myself that surely it isn't physically possible to live through pain like this.  I know this sounds dramatic...but I'm just being completely honest.

My sister Andrea was standing back during the pushing because she was afraid she was coming down with something and didn't want to risk me or the baby getting sick.  But she was cheering me on and video taped the entire thing!  She was so funny because afterwards said, "I went for the graphic video...you can delete it if you want to!"  Lol...she makes me laugh.  The things I was saying while pushing were, "I'm going to throw up", "I'm going to pass out", "How much longer?", "I can't do this, I can't do this", "I'm scared", "Please help me", "Promise me it will be over soon!"  See?  Pretty horrible!  The crazy part is that I pushed for only 17 minutes.  That really isn't long at all...but it felt like a lifetime!  I specifically remember hearing Andrea cry out, "You got this, Cait!"...it seriously was just what I needed to hear.  I knew I must be close or she wouldn't be saying that so it gave me the drive I needed to push Beckett out!  I'm so blessed she was there...it was so very special to share the experience with her!

I specifically remembering looking at Cole...my eyes pleading for him to help me,
but knowing there was nothing more he could do.  It was really hard for him to see me
in so much pain!

"Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing,I have nothing without You"

Bebo Norman, Nothing Without You

This is a pretty epic picture.  Not only do you see Beckett's exact arrival,
 but Andrea's face is PRICELESS!

The sad part is that even when Beckett came out, the pain didn't subside.  Well, I guess I should say that it was obviously somewhat better, but that I was still writhing in pain!  I was shaking and whimpering and asking for anything they could give me for the pain.  I was so happy to have my healthy little boy, but the pain was still so awful.  This isn't' normally the case.  Normally, at least what others have told me, is that the pain usually subsides right when the baby comes out.  But, because of my PSD that wasn't the case.  I honestly felt like my sacrum had fractured into pieces.  It was awful!  Even for the next two days I couldn't move my legs on my own.  I couldn't even roll over in bed without Cole's help.  My Dr. attributed some of this pain to something that happened while Beckett was being delivered.  When Beckett's head came out our Dr. saw that the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times and around his torso! (talk about pretty scary!)  There was absolutely no slack left on the cord so he had to maneuver my leg in a way that he said would have left anyone sore, but would be particularly painful to someone with my condition. 

Thank you, Jesus!

Sadly because I was still in so much pain, we didn't really get any "happy" pictures after Beckett was out.  Internally I was super thankful and relieved to have my sweet, healthy baby in my arms, but all the pictures show are someone still in a lot of pain.  It isn't glamorous or pretty, but it is real.  It is the truth of our story and our experience, and that is what matters most!  These are the pictures of sacrificial love!

If you would have talked to me immediately after or even in the next week or two, I would have told you I would never, not in a million years have a natural labor again.  I told Cole I thought I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the experience...lol!  I would remember the pain and seriously tremble thinking of how bad it was!  Please know that I don't share this information in order to scare someone out of having a natural labor.  I just am being authentic.  And, the truth is, the memory of the pain has already gone away quite a bit.  Only God knows if we will have more children, and I couldn't tell you one way or another what type of delivery I would plan for.  But I am thankful I got to have this experience.  I am super proud that I did it without an epidural...and not because I think having an epidural makes a delivery any less amazing or special...but because I truly never thought I could do it.  I'm proud of myself for pushing myself and doing something I didn't think I was capable of.  I kind of felt like a super hero ;)

I love this one

Beckett Edward James
December 30, 2013, 11:34 a.m.
 8lbs, 4oz., 21.5 in.
PERFECT!

God danced the day you were born, sweet Beckett!!

Some of the reasons I think I was able to do it without an epidural:

- having already experienced labor was helpful

- having such an amazing support team!

- having people everywhere praying for us

- taking one contraction at a time and really trying hard to fight the fear of the unknown

- music was huge for me too...I had my favorite praise and worship songs playing the entire time and I was even quietly singing along with them during my contractions.  The words of the songs were so affirming to me!  Two of my favorites were this one by Bebo Norman, and this one by Matt Maher