More Time

I just wanted to reflect on what an amazing time Cole and I had last weekend.  It was one of those rare weekends when we didn't have plans, we didn't have too much to check off of our to-do-list, and we got to just BE together. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, he had all of friday off from work!  Three days straight of supreme relaxation and happiness. 

A few highlights:
* getting to see family in Longmont (for the funeral)
* shopping at REI
* watching The Proposal together Friday night in our pajamas while chowing down on pizza and ice cream
* reading together
* walking to starbucks in the snow Saturday morning
* splurging on yummy chinese food
* sleeping in together on Sunday morning (since we went to church sat. night)
* the brocos game
* dinner with great friends at HuHot sunday night

I guess that is a pretty good summary.  Sunday evening was almost difficult to enjoy (only almost) because I knew our little haven of quality time away from the rest of the world was coming to an end.  And it may be awhile until another weekend like that comes our way!  For instance, this weekend starts with a bang..I work on Saturday!  Just wanted to document our moment in time...it was wonderful while it lasted!!
Until next time..

Anything Sweet...

Yes, anything sweet!  Turns out that when it comes to cravings, I like anything sugary and bad for me.  Not such a good thing.  I didn't even used to like desserts that much before I was pregnant.  For awhile I thought maybe it was just the mind set that now I can eat whatever I want, but that just can't be it.  First of all because like I said i didn't even used to like treats, but more importantly, it is like i HAVE to have it. haha.  Hence the craving!  I know it is getting out of control considering I have dreamt of cookies and ice cream and apple pie and ice cream, along with other things, all this last week.  Plus, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving just because I know I am going to make delicious desserts!  I caved at the grocery store yesterday and bought an apple pie.  I was worried when we got home that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as I had hoped, but I am pleased to say that it was!  It was so so yummy, with ice cream on top!  Sometimes with pregnancy nothing seems to satisfy...I am oh so happy the pie and ice cream did the trick.
Other things I crave:  starbucks (all day every day), root beer floats, choc. chip cookies, fruit dip, pumpkin pie...just to name a few!  If my appetite says anything about my little guy, then we are in trouble.  He is going to have quite the sweet tooth!  Oh man, pregnancy is so crazy.  My body is no longer my own!  Who am I?  Such a crazy experience, but I feel so blessed to have it.  I am sure when this is over I will miss his kicks, and twists, and love of sugar! 

hmm, I just wrote a blog about desserts...
that's embarrassing!

A Moment of Panic...

Okay, this will be quick.  I am not dwelling on it, and I know God will give me the strength I need when the time comes, but how is this baby every going to make its way out of me??  Silly question, I know, as it is inevitable, but at times a bit of panic takes over when I really think about it.  How could I possibly ever be prepared for pain that up until now I have never been even close to experiencing?  I watch A Baby Story on tv, which i should probably stop doing. ha!  Don't get me wrong, some of the stories are amazing and the births seem completely doable and everything goes off without a hitch.  However, other episodes freak the crap out of me.  Some of these women are screaming their heads off and it honestly looks like the pain may kill them!  I guess it is good to be realistic with myself and realistic with my fears.  I don't have it all together and I do have anxieties for what is to come.  The point is that I need to remember that it is okay.  It is okay to be anxious.  I have acknowledged it and now I can choose not to dwell on it.  I choose instead to focus on the love I have for our little Tavian.  I want to meet him, and hold him and see his face, and I do believe any amount of suffering will be worth it!  Yes, that is what I choose to dwell on :)
On that same note, I watched my birth video again a few weeks ago.  It really should serve as a costant source of strength, and if I look to anything as an example, that should be it.  My mother, although more experienced considering i was number 5, handled everything so calmly and happily..and without meds!  She had so many people in the room, including all of my siblings, and she was just so at ease and so focused on the goal of being there: Me!  As she sarted to push and was clearly in pain, instead of yelling or panicking, she just began to talk to me and pray for me.  "God, please bless my baby."  I love her so much  and I would love to have her there beside me in the room, continuing to pray for me as she did the day she brought me into the world.  No, she won't physically be there.  But her prayers from heaven are probably far more focused and intent then they would be here, and her strength will be with me!  Yes, I don't have to see her to know she is there!  Lets be honest, she wouldn't miss her Grandsons birth for anything!
This felt good...panic gone :)

There's Good News, and Bad News

Cole's Step-Grandma passed away earlier today.  Clearly this is the bad news.  However, she was an amazing woman who was always faithful to God, and in many ways it is a relief knowing she has found peace and is no longer suffering.  Cole and I visited her in the hospital on Sunday.  It brought me right back to when I was younger and visiting my own Grandmother on her death bed.  Although it is hard to see anyone in such a state, I am glad that we got to see her one last time and that we could be there for her and the family.  I always worry about Cole having to see things like that because I know he doesn't have as much life experience when it comes to death and loss.  He handled everything really well, at least while we were in the hospital.  But, once we got in the car we started talking about the love that was so apparent between his Grandma and Grandpa, and that even though she was the one dying and struggling to breathe, his Grandpa was suffering just as much as she was.  He was watching the love of his life suffer, and little by little was coming to peace with saying goodbye to her.  I told Cole it made me think of when we were older and how I knew he would take care of me if I was ever in that position.  And, to my surprise, tears began rolling down his face.  He could handle watching the experience between others, but when it applied to us he couldn't take it.  This was such a witness of the love we have for each other, and although we sat and cried in the car together for a few minutes, I am thankful that we had the opportunity to share this experience.  I know that no matter how much either of us ever suffer physically, the other will always be suffering just as much emotionally from having to witness the one we love in pain.  To me this is beautiful, and as always, I am thankful this man is my husband!
Now, on to the good news.  The funeral is going to be on Friday morning and that means Cole gets to take the entire day off of work.  Leave it to me to find good news surrounding a funeral...I know it sounds horrible, but I am really excited to have another day to spend with Cole.  I will take every second available for us to be together.  We'll get to say goodbye to his Grandma and spend time with family in the morning, and then we will have the rest of the day for "us" time.  We actually are very lucky with the amount of time we get to spend together on an every day basis, but every extra bit brightens my life! 
I should mention that he has been so good to me throughout this pregnancy.  Not only did he surprise me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and my favorite candy (gummy worms) last week, but last night I came home to a beautiful candlight dinner.  Everyday he takes time to make me feel special...I am so blessed! :)
p.s. 10 days til New Moon!!

So tired of being tired...

That pretty much sums it up! This has actually been a pretty rough last few days. I am just exhausted all the time, and it is hard when you never feel like yourself anymore. I know it is worth it, and I know it won't be forever, but sometimes it seems like it is never ending. Cole is so wonderful and I am SO lucky to have him in my life and part of this experience. But, no matter how much he is there for me there is still that part of me that feels alone. It isn't possible for him to truly know how I am feeling, and I don't expect him to, but it would def. be easier if he did. There is so much pressure and responsibility on my shoulders and it gets scary to think about it all. I have to be conscious of so many things all at one time to make sure the baby is safe and well cared for. Sometimes I worry that I am not doing a good enough job, or that I'm not aware of the baby as much as I should be. I am sure as I get bigger, and as I start to feel my little one move, that it will be hard for the pregnancy not to be on the forefront of my mind.
I have also been a bit discouraged lately. Work is going pretty well, but I was basically just told that they were going to fire me at the end of December so that they would have time to train and hire someone before the start of the new semester. I had thought I would work until my due date and then hopefully come back after I had the baby. They are saying now I can only come back if they have an opening. I understand, I guess, but it is hard not to feel like I am being persecuted because of being pregnant. I also just signed up to do massage therapy courses in order to become certified and start my own business. I thought it was going to be perfect. I could get all the course work done in 4 months, putting me at the end of dec., and then I could do the hands on training from mid jan. to mid feb. Everything would be completed in time for baby! Well, not so much. I just found out they won't let me do the hands on training if i am in my 3rd tri-mester. I am going to do my best to get around this, or deal with it in time, but it def. serves as another discouragment.

Who knew I could be this tired?..and I mean so SO tired!. Work drains my energy, partly because I am bored, but mostly because there doesn't seem to be enough time in a day to sleep! I thought this sleepiness was supposed to get better with the 2nd tr-mester, but really I am more tired then ever. The baby is just wearing me out! I am hoping that this week is just a bit of a slump and that I'll be right back up in the next week. Here is to waking up!!!!!!!

Time to Catch Up!

Well, things have been so crazy. We hit the 12 week mark on Sunday, Praise the Lord, and I started a new job yesterday. We are so happy that our baby has made it through the first trimester. When I think of this pregnancy so far it really hasn't been that bad! I feel so blessed to be experiencing this, to have the opportunity to have life within me! Hearing our little ones hearbeat has been amazing! Cole and I can't get over it!!! It is just so unreal and we love it. I really have had it pretty easy too. I know not every pregnancy will be like this, but I am thankful that God has made things a bit easier on me this time around. They say God only gives you what you can handle..I am glad He was able to recognize I could only handle a relatively easy pregnancy..haha;) I feel like the instant we found out about this baby Cole and I have grown even closer then how we were before (something that would have seemed impossible to me because we are already so close!) We both want to be the best people we can be for this child and have the best marriage to nurture our children as they grow. I love Cole and I love knowing that my child will have qualitites and characteristics that he has. It is one of the ways I knew I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Early on I knew I would rather my children have more of him in them then even myself...which is obviously saying a lot about the person that I know him to be. Our children will be so lucky to have him as a father.

As I continue to contemplate the impact that having a child will have on us, as well as the kind of parent I want to be, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the childhood and parenting that I had! I know it is easier to remember the bad over the good, but either way I will use my past to improve my future as well as the future of those in my life. I want to be there in every way for my children. I want them to be able to talk to me....I will always care and take interest in what is going on in their life. I will work everyday to sacrifice on their behalf! As for Cole, I actually find myself envious that my children have the opportunity to grow up with a father like him. He is going to be loving, have high expectations, but be the rock of this family and the rock of their lives as they grow up. He will never handicap their abilities just so he is able to feel needed or more important in their life. Instead, he will encourage and push them to be all they can be, be there if they need him, but give them the tools to conquer things on their own! I know we have high expectations for ourselves, and I know that life happens and it may be more difficult then we think, but we will try our hardest and be conscious of our weaknesses. This is what we will strive for everyday!

The new job has been fun so far. God is so good and it is amazing how He unfolds His plans for us. He really has blessed Cole and me...this job came at the EXACT moment we needed it. And it is the job I wanted and has turned out to be a great opportunity. I enjoy the women I work with, and even though I was nervous at first, I told them I was pregnant today and no one seemed upset! I like being on campus and I like working with the students. I feel much more productive! It is a very fun environment, and although I thought i would NEVER say this, it kind of makes me miss college. I think it understandable to miss it now, because much of the stress is off because I already got my degree! I still think I want to pursue taking Spanish classes sometime soon.

Sharing this pregnancy with Andrea has been amazing. We joked about always wanted to share all our important experiences together but we never would have truly purposefully planned our pregnancies around each other. I guess God agreed with us that it would be fun, and decided to bless us with children at the same time. I love thinking about the relationship our children will have with each other. I can't wait for Andrea to move back here. There is just so much I want to do with her! I want to go to church with her everyday with our little babies, I want to go to the pool and swim, and pack lunches, go to the park, bar-b-q with our hubbies, watch girly shows like the bachelor together each week, and go to sappy movies together when they come out. oh, and don't forget the shopping trips. I just miss her and would love for her and her family to get to live by us. I want our families to be so close!!!!

Well, I don't know how much that really caught you up, but it def. felt good to get it all out. We have some weddings coming up which will be fun, but I am mostly looking forward to Fall and having things settle down a bit. This pregnancy has already changed me so much. I long for Fall and for the cooler weather and for pumpkins and halloween and thanksgiving! I look forward to snuggling with Cole by the fire and watching our favorite shows at night (especially for Biggest Loser with Ames!). Life is good...and it looks like it is going to get even better:)

And Baby Makes Three

Well, I have had quite an interesting past week. Cole and I knew we were headed into a busy weekend last week, but we had no idea it was about to get a lot crazier. It all started last Wed. night when Cole thought I should take a pregnancy test. I have been feeling so motivated and happy that I thought it was an impossibility. I decided to humor him and take it even though I was sure I knew what it was going to say. And I was right! The test was negative...that is since Cole has convinced me over time that you don't really have to wait the 3 minutes before concluding the results. So, after the test had been going approximately 10 seconds I concluded that I wasn't pregnant and I shared the news with him..of course with the "i told you so" attitude. It wasn't until the next morning, as I lazily got out of bed to use the restroom that I saw the pregnancy test, sitting on the back of the toilet where I had left it the night before, but this time it was a bit different. Where the previous night there had only been one line, this time in the little window there was a second line...a faint line, but a line none the less. Hmmm, I thought, this is strange! Strange it was! I started pacing and audibly mumbling to myself...I just couldn't believe this could be true. So, i did what anyone would do, I took another one! Once again..this time after waiting the necessary 3 minutes, a 2nd faint line appeared in the window. I decided I would call Andrea..after all, I still wasn't all that convinced. She was confidant I was pregnant, considering two tests had proven it, but she was very patient with me as I continued to talk about it as something that might be happening or could happen.

I called Cole to ask him if he wanted to meet for lunch. I always have thought it would be fun to get to tell him in a fun way that we were pregnant. He already made plans with his mom so he just asked if I wanted to come along. That was great except that I wanted to tell him before we were with his mom. I ended up picking him up from work and telling him before we got to lunch. I tied a pink and blue bow around my tummy and tucked a huge pre-made bow into it so it sat directly on my belly. He was walking towards my car and I got out to meet him. He looked at me a bit funny and then asked me what I was wearing. Lol, then I told him to open his present. A huge smile spread across his face and he understood. It was a very exciting special moment for us as we stood in the parking lot hugging and kissing in excitement. Lunch was such a special time too. It was special for us knowing how excited Tina was going to be for us and we were so happy to share the news with her! It was a very fun, exciting, anxious day that in many ways seemed unreal. Could I really be growing this little baby in my tummy?!? What a miracle..what a blessing!!!

We found out at a pretty inconvenient time...right before the 4th of July with friends from all over coming to celebrate all weekend!! On the same note I realize what a blessing it was because I inevitably would have had alcohol to drink and that could have been a big danger to our baby. Normally I would have put more effort to keeping this a secret longer, but it is too hard when so many friends are spending the weekend with us. Not only was it going to be noticeably unusual that I wouldn't have a drink all weekend (especially when one of the options was a mango margarita!!) but we were also just so excited about the news that we didn't restrain ourselves from telling anyone. I know things could still go wrong, but I decided I would rather be happy and excited about it now then live as though something might go wrong. I have faith that everything will happen according to God's plan. We aren't to the point of seeking out others by phone or otherwise to tell, but if we saw them we thought we might as well share the good news and ask for more prayers! All of the friends and family that we have shared this blessing with have been so wonderful!! They have made us feel special and have really shared in our joy and excitement.

As for the weekend of events, I'll start with Friday night. Annie came around 5 and Britt and I were already working hard to get the food going for the festivities that were starting at 7. Ashley, Britt, Sydnie, and Annie were all there and Erica was able to stop by for a quick hello. It was, of course, a fun group of girls. We spent the time catching up, laughing, and eating and drinking delicious things! My virgin margartia was amazing!! One of the highlights was when Sydnie and I were upstairs and I spilled the beans about the baby...her scream was her round the world! :) It was so sweet that she was so excited for us! We all went downtown for a bit to show Annie around and hopefully give her the chance to run into more people that we know!

The next day was the 4th of July and we had a packed, fun day. Cole, Brittany, Annie, Breanne, Brent and I all went tubing down the Poudre. Don't worry, we took the safe route and floated in town. It was a lot of fun even though the weather wasn't ideal and my tube was rediculously horrible. Everybody gave me a hard time about not being able to stay on the tube well and nobody took my complaints seriously...that is until I flipped out of the tube and COle agreed to switch me. Then he realized that I wasn't crazy! I even had Brent use it for a little so that I could feel validated. We stopped at the rope swings too and had a great time swinging.

After getting home and showering our guests for the bar-b-q started flitering in. Cole's mom and stepdad stopped by along with Cole's siter, Angie, and we also had Shannon, Austin, and their friend Tommy join us. The day was a hit with great food, friends, games, and we all really enjoyed Corn Hole which Cole had built for the occasion.

It was a great way to spend the 4th of July!