Then and Now

This is a picture of me at 8 weeks pregnant.  It shocks me that this is what my body used to look like.  Man, times are changing!  I had a waist!!

This is a picture of me now!  There is quite the difference.  I still have 3 1/2 months left..where will I be then??

Things I miss from when I wasn't pregnant:
* feta cheese
* ceasar salad
* caffeine
* margaritas, beer, and white wine
* not peeing in the middle of the night
* wearing high heels
* getting to wear all the clothes in my closet
* having ab muscles
* not having heartburn
* eating mexican food

Things I will miss about being pregnant:
* watching my body change, and knowing that as I grow, my little baby is growing too
* everyday having a new experience
* knowing my very existence is giving life
* knowing in every action there is a sacrifice for someone I love
* feeling him move inside me
* the fact that although I "haven't met" Tavian, I know him more intimately then I ever will again!
* having a constant companion attached to me :)
* being a constant testament to life..from the moment of its existence!

I am sure there is more in both categories that I can't think of right now.  However, pregnancy wins..nothing can compare to this experience!

My Little Man

My little baby is growing.  Cole and I got to have an ultrasound on Friday and it was so so fun.  Every time I see Tavian moving around on the screen it just brightens my life!  He is now 1 lb. 10oz. and he is just getting cuter and cuter.  He wasn't as active at first while we were in there, but as soon as Cole started talking to my belly Tavian started pounding on me with his fist in response.  We loved it!  He still has plenty of room and uses it to flip around...the tech kept having to change where she had said his head was.  Our favorite thing was when his feet were directly next to his head because his body was completely folded in half.  Unfortunately we didn't get a picture of when his legs were completely straight, but we still got some good ones.  I just kept laughing because it was like he was a gymnast!  He chilled in that position for awhile...how can that be comfy??  Silly boy!

Look at him sucking his thumb!

I told you his little feet are right by his head!

He is adorable!

His thinking pose!

We have been pretty frustrated with our Doctor's office lately.  The medical community in general has been frustrating, and last week was especially difficult.  It was wonderful getting to end a stressful week with getting to see our baby!  Watching him move while feeling him move at the same time is truly incredible!!

More Time

I just wanted to reflect on what an amazing time Cole and I had last weekend.  It was one of those rare weekends when we didn't have plans, we didn't have too much to check off of our to-do-list, and we got to just BE together. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, he had all of friday off from work!  Three days straight of supreme relaxation and happiness. 

A few highlights:
* getting to see family in Longmont (for the funeral)
* shopping at REI
* watching The Proposal together Friday night in our pajamas while chowing down on pizza and ice cream
* reading together
* walking to starbucks in the snow Saturday morning
* splurging on yummy chinese food
* sleeping in together on Sunday morning (since we went to church sat. night)
* the brocos game
* dinner with great friends at HuHot sunday night

I guess that is a pretty good summary.  Sunday evening was almost difficult to enjoy (only almost) because I knew our little haven of quality time away from the rest of the world was coming to an end.  And it may be awhile until another weekend like that comes our way!  For instance, this weekend starts with a bang..I work on Saturday!  Just wanted to document our moment in time...it was wonderful while it lasted!!
Until next time..

Anything Sweet...

Yes, anything sweet!  Turns out that when it comes to cravings, I like anything sugary and bad for me.  Not such a good thing.  I didn't even used to like desserts that much before I was pregnant.  For awhile I thought maybe it was just the mind set that now I can eat whatever I want, but that just can't be it.  First of all because like I said i didn't even used to like treats, but more importantly, it is like i HAVE to have it. haha.  Hence the craving!  I know it is getting out of control considering I have dreamt of cookies and ice cream and apple pie and ice cream, along with other things, all this last week.  Plus, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving just because I know I am going to make delicious desserts!  I caved at the grocery store yesterday and bought an apple pie.  I was worried when we got home that it wouldn't be as fulfilling as I had hoped, but I am pleased to say that it was!  It was so so yummy, with ice cream on top!  Sometimes with pregnancy nothing seems to satisfy...I am oh so happy the pie and ice cream did the trick.
Other things I crave:  starbucks (all day every day), root beer floats, choc. chip cookies, fruit dip, pumpkin pie...just to name a few!  If my appetite says anything about my little guy, then we are in trouble.  He is going to have quite the sweet tooth!  Oh man, pregnancy is so crazy.  My body is no longer my own!  Who am I?  Such a crazy experience, but I feel so blessed to have it.  I am sure when this is over I will miss his kicks, and twists, and love of sugar! 

hmm, I just wrote a blog about desserts...
that's embarrassing!

A Moment of Panic...

Okay, this will be quick.  I am not dwelling on it, and I know God will give me the strength I need when the time comes, but how is this baby every going to make its way out of me??  Silly question, I know, as it is inevitable, but at times a bit of panic takes over when I really think about it.  How could I possibly ever be prepared for pain that up until now I have never been even close to experiencing?  I watch A Baby Story on tv, which i should probably stop doing. ha!  Don't get me wrong, some of the stories are amazing and the births seem completely doable and everything goes off without a hitch.  However, other episodes freak the crap out of me.  Some of these women are screaming their heads off and it honestly looks like the pain may kill them!  I guess it is good to be realistic with myself and realistic with my fears.  I don't have it all together and I do have anxieties for what is to come.  The point is that I need to remember that it is okay.  It is okay to be anxious.  I have acknowledged it and now I can choose not to dwell on it.  I choose instead to focus on the love I have for our little Tavian.  I want to meet him, and hold him and see his face, and I do believe any amount of suffering will be worth it!  Yes, that is what I choose to dwell on :)
On that same note, I watched my birth video again a few weeks ago.  It really should serve as a costant source of strength, and if I look to anything as an example, that should be it.  My mother, although more experienced considering i was number 5, handled everything so calmly and happily..and without meds!  She had so many people in the room, including all of my siblings, and she was just so at ease and so focused on the goal of being there: Me!  As she sarted to push and was clearly in pain, instead of yelling or panicking, she just began to talk to me and pray for me.  "God, please bless my baby."  I love her so much  and I would love to have her there beside me in the room, continuing to pray for me as she did the day she brought me into the world.  No, she won't physically be there.  But her prayers from heaven are probably far more focused and intent then they would be here, and her strength will be with me!  Yes, I don't have to see her to know she is there!  Lets be honest, she wouldn't miss her Grandsons birth for anything!
This felt good...panic gone :)

There's Good News, and Bad News

Cole's Step-Grandma passed away earlier today.  Clearly this is the bad news.  However, she was an amazing woman who was always faithful to God, and in many ways it is a relief knowing she has found peace and is no longer suffering.  Cole and I visited her in the hospital on Sunday.  It brought me right back to when I was younger and visiting my own Grandmother on her death bed.  Although it is hard to see anyone in such a state, I am glad that we got to see her one last time and that we could be there for her and the family.  I always worry about Cole having to see things like that because I know he doesn't have as much life experience when it comes to death and loss.  He handled everything really well, at least while we were in the hospital.  But, once we got in the car we started talking about the love that was so apparent between his Grandma and Grandpa, and that even though she was the one dying and struggling to breathe, his Grandpa was suffering just as much as she was.  He was watching the love of his life suffer, and little by little was coming to peace with saying goodbye to her.  I told Cole it made me think of when we were older and how I knew he would take care of me if I was ever in that position.  And, to my surprise, tears began rolling down his face.  He could handle watching the experience between others, but when it applied to us he couldn't take it.  This was such a witness of the love we have for each other, and although we sat and cried in the car together for a few minutes, I am thankful that we had the opportunity to share this experience.  I know that no matter how much either of us ever suffer physically, the other will always be suffering just as much emotionally from having to witness the one we love in pain.  To me this is beautiful, and as always, I am thankful this man is my husband!
Now, on to the good news.  The funeral is going to be on Friday morning and that means Cole gets to take the entire day off of work.  Leave it to me to find good news surrounding a funeral...I know it sounds horrible, but I am really excited to have another day to spend with Cole.  I will take every second available for us to be together.  We'll get to say goodbye to his Grandma and spend time with family in the morning, and then we will have the rest of the day for "us" time.  We actually are very lucky with the amount of time we get to spend together on an every day basis, but every extra bit brightens my life! 
I should mention that he has been so good to me throughout this pregnancy.  Not only did he surprise me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and my favorite candy (gummy worms) last week, but last night I came home to a beautiful candlight dinner.  Everyday he takes time to make me feel special...I am so blessed! :)
p.s. 10 days til New Moon!!

So tired of being tired...

That pretty much sums it up! This has actually been a pretty rough last few days. I am just exhausted all the time, and it is hard when you never feel like yourself anymore. I know it is worth it, and I know it won't be forever, but sometimes it seems like it is never ending. Cole is so wonderful and I am SO lucky to have him in my life and part of this experience. But, no matter how much he is there for me there is still that part of me that feels alone. It isn't possible for him to truly know how I am feeling, and I don't expect him to, but it would def. be easier if he did. There is so much pressure and responsibility on my shoulders and it gets scary to think about it all. I have to be conscious of so many things all at one time to make sure the baby is safe and well cared for. Sometimes I worry that I am not doing a good enough job, or that I'm not aware of the baby as much as I should be. I am sure as I get bigger, and as I start to feel my little one move, that it will be hard for the pregnancy not to be on the forefront of my mind.
I have also been a bit discouraged lately. Work is going pretty well, but I was basically just told that they were going to fire me at the end of December so that they would have time to train and hire someone before the start of the new semester. I had thought I would work until my due date and then hopefully come back after I had the baby. They are saying now I can only come back if they have an opening. I understand, I guess, but it is hard not to feel like I am being persecuted because of being pregnant. I also just signed up to do massage therapy courses in order to become certified and start my own business. I thought it was going to be perfect. I could get all the course work done in 4 months, putting me at the end of dec., and then I could do the hands on training from mid jan. to mid feb. Everything would be completed in time for baby! Well, not so much. I just found out they won't let me do the hands on training if i am in my 3rd tri-mester. I am going to do my best to get around this, or deal with it in time, but it def. serves as another discouragment.

Who knew I could be this tired?..and I mean so SO tired!. Work drains my energy, partly because I am bored, but mostly because there doesn't seem to be enough time in a day to sleep! I thought this sleepiness was supposed to get better with the 2nd tr-mester, but really I am more tired then ever. The baby is just wearing me out! I am hoping that this week is just a bit of a slump and that I'll be right back up in the next week. Here is to waking up!!!!!!!