Mommy Guilt

One of the things that I was never rpepared for when entering motherhood was a little something I call "Mommy Guilt".  It pretty much is hiding behind every decision, every action.  I may be exagerating a little, but it is so surprising how much I toss and turn over such seemingly little things.  If I am out and about too much then I feel guilty because he hasn't had any down time and he has spent too much time in his car seat.  If I stay at home all day I feel guilty because he hasn't gotten to see the world and I'm not exposing him to enough new things.  Is he sleeping too much or too little?  If he naps in his crib then I feel bad because he is in there all alone, but if I let him nap in bed with me I wonder if I am creating a bad habit.  I don't dwell on these things at all times, but it is so hard when I am constantly striving to be the best mother for him.  I know how much he deserves, and sometimes I think he deserves more then I can give.  The one thing I remind myself of, no matter how inadequate I may be feeling, is that no one could love him as much as I love him.  And, even if I fail at the rest, I know he will always grow up knowing that he is loved!  If I do all things out of love, how bad could it be?  We'll see I guess;)
Along with "Mommy Guilt" comes the guilt you feel towards everyone else in your life.  The fact that I don't have the time or energy to call people back, return text messages, e-mails, etc.  Everything takes a backseat to being a mom and taking care of Tavian (which it should), but friendships and other relationships and responsibilities just aren't on the top of my list anymore.  I think I feel especially guilty because investing in my relationships was always really important to me.
There is the guilt when there is a ton of stuff to do around the house, but I would rather go to sleep.  Or the guilt when my hubby who works lets me sleep and he will get up with Tavian (I know, he is amazing!)  Or even the guilt that comes when i think about how hard being a mom can be (just because I know that more then anything it is the greatest blessing!)
Guilt sucks!  I think I need to do better about having realistic expecations for muself, and knowing that the people in my life will be loving and understanding of the new journey I am embarcking on!

Catch Up

Man, it is really hard to keep up with blogging while being a mom.  I guess I am still working on all of the adjustments.  Here is some of the latest:
Last weekend was not what we had originally planned for, but it ended up being really nice.  We were supposed to go to the Sand Dunes with my family for the weekend.  Cole and I went last year and LOVED it and I had been so excited to go again.  We knew things would be different with Tavian, but we still planned on going.  However, as the trip got nearer, everything became really overwhelming.  Driving 4 hours with an infant, needing to stop for a feeding, messing up his bedtime and routine, getting anxious about him being outside in the heat for long periods of time, etc...it just started to add up and I realized it wasn't worth all the stress.  I was a little bummed at first, but it really turned out to be the best decision.  After all, there is always next year, and Tavian will be old enough then to really enjoy himself!
Instead, my friend (and old roomie) Shannon drove from Denver to hang out with us.  Her hubby was playing in a golf tournament here so she came too and spent the day with us.  We started early going to garage sales.  If you don't know it about me yet, you will.  I am obsessed with garage sales.  One of my all time fav. summer activities.  The weather was so amazing too!  Then we went to the park and played games while Tavian slept.  We even stopped to get a slurpee...pretty much couldn't get any better!  Her husband met up with us once he was done with golf and we ended the day playing ping pong.  So much fun with such wonderful friends:)
The downside to the weekend was that Tavian had some sort of bug.  He just struggled for some of the weekend and I think he was having tummy issues.  Poor little guy..and I ended up with a bad soar throat.  Maybe we just wore ourselves out!

Tavey sleeping at the park while the rest of us played games

Aunty Shan loving on Tavian

Such a fun day together

Aunty Ames came to visit and give Tavey love too!

So thankful to my Aunt Barb who came and watched Tavian for me while I went to the Dentist.  Thank goodness for her!!

I just thought this picture was way too cute not to put up.  Look how big and strong he is getting!! :)

And finally, this was our yummy dessert for the awaited Biggest Loser Finale!  I love that we always choose to eat really unhealthy things while we watch a show about weight loss.  haha:)  But seriously, this dessert pizza was so good!!  And, I was really excited that Michael won.  I would have been happy with any of the finaly three...as long as it wasn't Koli!!

Are any of you doing anything fun for the three day weekend??  We don't have anything specific planned, but I am hoping to make a trip to the pool and take Tavian swimming for the first time.  That should be interesting:)  Hope you all have a safe, fun weekend!!

20 Years Later

I seriously can't believe that today is the 20th anniversary of my mom's death.  How is that possible?  I remember events from that day and it feels like another life.  I also remember what a big deal the 10th anniversary was, and here we have already doubled that.  My mom's parents and one of her sisters flew out at the 10 year, and we all couldn't believe how long it had been.  And now it has been another ten.  With every anniversary I mostly think about who all still remembers her.  I guess I don't know why it matters to me so much, but I just feel like she was someone that made an impact, not just among her friends, but society in general.  I like knowing people remember the impact she made!
A difficult part of her death for me has always been that the majority of the people in my life never got to meet her.  She died when i was so young and i always knew that friends, my husband, and my children would never meet her.  That is why I have especially close bonds to those few friends that did meet my mom.  They may not remember it, but even just knowing that they met her and that our families were close means a lot to me.  Joedy, Jonathan, Melissa...just a few of those friends.  I don't have to see them or talk to them everyday, but they will always be special to me! 
It is very strange that the pain of her loss has remained constant, yet the time since her death continues to grow.  In terms of pain it is as if it happened yesterday, but when measuerd by life's events it seems like a lifetime!  I'm not quite sure how that works!

20 years later
5 high school graduations
5 college graduations
5 weddings
11 grandchildren
...and so much more

525,600 minutes.  How do you measure, measure a year?
...or 20?

All of us that live in Fort Collins met at the cemetery to spend time together and remember my mom.  It felt like more should be done because 20 years is a big deal..but I honestly didn't know what.  I'll probably watch some home videos this weekend.

Sarah with Dylan and Aiden..Aiden is the one dressed as a fireman...haha:) too cute!

I love you and miss you mom!

Two Months

Tavian had his two month check up on Monday.  He is doing wonderfully and my chunker weighed in at 12lbs 11.5oz!!!  I love that he is a chunky monkey!  The bad part of the apt. was that it was his two month immunizations.  I HATE immunizations and I hated having to make decisions about them.  It just feels like such a lose/lose situation.  I talked a lot with my Dr. about them, and although I still don't feel great about it, we ended up giving him alomost all of them.  It was so hard watching him be hurt and not stopping it.  He literally was looking at me like, "Mom, why would you ever let them hurt me??"  Needless to say we both cried!  Over the next few days he didn't eat quite as well, and he also kept having flash backs of getting the shots.  We would be playing with him and out of nowhere he would tighten up his entire body and start screaming.  So sad!  I'm glad to say it has been getting better.  The bad news is we are supposed to do this all over again at the 4 month apt.:(

I can't believe two months have gone by!  Everyday he is getting cuter and more fun to play with.  He greets me throughout the day with beautiful smiles, and last night I found him in his crib sucking away at his thumb like he was a pro!  Too cute!  My latest favorite thing is napping with him in the afternoon.  He fights taking naps in his crib, but as soon as I bring him into bed with me he goes right to sleep. I LOVE it!  Nothing could be better:)

A Happy Mother's Day

20 years ago I had my last happy Mother's Day.  It was the last year that I got to celebrate with my mom.  I can't say that I remember it, but I know that it was happy!  For years Mother's Day was a hard day.  Whether it was having to make Mother's Day crafts in school, listening to what everyone else was going to be doing that day to celebrate with their mother, or realizing that I wasn't able to share in one of the most important relationships in life, Mother's Day was always pretty sad. I still took the time to celebrate the amount of time that I was given with my mom, but it was also always a day reminding me of what I was missing out on.  As hard as the last 20 Mother's Days have been, I always knew that one day Mother's Day wouldn't be so bad.  One day there would be more to celebrate then there would be to mourn.  That day has finally come.  I have been looking forward to celebrating my first Mother's Day for so long and I can't believe it finally came!  God makes all things new, and Mother's Day is now filled with many different emotions.  Yes, I still miss my mom.  I will always miss her and I will always think of her on Mother's Day.  However, from this Mother's Day on there is much more joy then sorrow.  I am a mother and I get to celebrate with my children the way that I never was able to growing up!  Tavian is such a blessing in my life.  I am so thankful to God for giving me the gift of motherhood!
The best part is that the day truly lived up to every hopeful expecation that I had for it.  I couldn't have asked for a better first Mother's Day!  It started with mass in the morning with my dad and my sister and her family.  My sister has four adorable kiddos so it is always wonderful getting to see them.  After mass we went to Panera for breakfast (a Sunday tradition) and my dad bought us all breakfast.  It was a fun, relaxing time.

 Outside our church  after mass

After that Cole and I ran home so we could change and he could pack a picnic while I fed Tavian.

Smiling with my beautiful flowers that were waiting for me that morning.  And that was the card that was waiting for me on Tavian's changing table :) 

Next we stopped by the cemetery.  Tavian wanted to wish his Nana a Happy Mother's Day and bring her a rose :)  The weather was PERFECT and it made our picnic even more wonderful.

We drove to a park by our house and ate all of the yumminess that Cole had packed for us.  Then we played Bocce ball (one of our fav. summer games) while Tavian slept on me in the Moby.

Just smiling and loving life at the park.  Could he be any cuter?!?

And, lastly, there is a yummy new frozen yoghurt shop that opened by our house and that was giving free yoghurt to Mother's.  It was a great end to an amazing day!
Thank you to everyone who helped make this such a special, memorable day for me!!  I felt so special to have gotten all the cards, phone calls, and texts! :)

This is a quote that my mom had included in a letter she sent out to her family and friends on her last Mother's Day.  I think it is beautiful!

"In the ancient Greek launguage "mitera" means one who gives Life.  A Mother is the beginning of life.  Mothers do not die, because they live in the hearts of their children and their children's children..."

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day!

Friends at First Sight!

Wahoo, little Cash Chapman has finally arrived!!!  Sydnie and Brad brought Cash into the world earlier this week by C-Section.  Tavey and I have been waiting for this for two long months:)  Cole, Tavian, and I went to the hospital to meet Cash and it was so wonderful.  Cash is the cutest little guy and he even has a dimple just like his mom.  It was so fun putting the babies next to each other and thinking back to when Tavey was that small.  It goes by so fast and yet it seems like a lifetime ago.  Tavian looks like a big boy next to Cash, but that is just because two months is a long time in the infant world.  Before long two months will be nothing at all!!

I am so excited to have a close friend that has a baby.  I am really looking forward to this summer and getting to go on walks, go to the pool, and hang out with Syd and the boys.  I remember when Syd and I were first pregnant and it is so strange to think both our boys have finally arrived. 

 So excited for there to be another little man around:)

All too true

I know not all of you out there are moms, but some of you are, and I got this e-mail forwarded to me and it is all so true!  I really enjoyed it!

Before I was a Mom, 
I never tripped over toys 
or forgot words to a lullaby. 
I didn't worry whether or not 
my plants were poisonous. 
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, 
I had never been puked on. 
Pooped on. 
Chewed on. 
Peed on. 
I had complete control of my mind 
and my thoughts. 
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, 
I never held down a screaming child 
so doctors could do tests. 
Or give shots. 
I never looked into teary eyes and cried. 
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. 
I never sat up late hours at night 
watching a baby sleep.  

Before I was a Mom, 
I never held a sleeping baby just because 
I didn't want to put her down. 
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces 
when I couldn't stop the hurt. 
I never knew that something so small 
could affect my life so much. 
I never knew that I could love someone so much. 
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
 
Before I was a Mom, 
I didn't know the feeling of 
having my heart outside my body.. 
I didn't know how special it could feel 
to feed a hungry baby. 
I didn't know that bond 
between a mother and her child. 
I didn't know that something so small 
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, 
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night 
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. 
I had never known the warmth, 
the joy, 
the love, 
the heartache, 
the wonderment 
or the satisfaction of being a Mom. 
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, 
before I was a Mom 

May we always be overwhelmed by the Grace of God rather than by the cares of life