Today is the anniversary of my Mother's death.
Sad day.
I am really feeling it this year. So much of her story...our story...just seems so surreal. All of the details, and ironies make it seem almost unbelievable. Sometimes I wonder how this could really be my life? How did this all really happen to me?
Can I wake up yet??!
Two weeks ago I was helping my Dad clean out his garage and go through some of his old belongings. He tossed a bag my way and told me it was my mom's and that I could have it. I put it aside in my "take home" pile and didn't necessarily think much of it.
When I got home I opened what I thought was a random bag...and oh man...I was in for quite the shock. Sitting before me was my mother's purse. The exact, untouched since then, purse that she was using at the time of her death. Talk about a time capsule!
Let me tell you about some of the things that were in there...because I think it says a lot about my Mom.
The first part I opened was her daily planner. The most eerie part was that the date starts on May 17th so I was opening almost exactly at the same time of year that it was written.
Of course she died on the 20th so it was her to do list and activities, etc. leading up to the day she died. What it told me is that she was busy! Not bad busy, but good busy. I felt like many of my to-do lists look a lot like that. I smiled at the familiarity. She was busy because everything was leading up to the events of the day she died. That Sunday, as many of you know, two of my sisters were celebrating their First Communion and my brother and oldest sister were celebrating their Confirmation. There was also a huge party after with family and friends that she was getting everything ready for. It was sad when, inevitably, I flipped past the May 20th page, and the events and writing began to dwindle. There were a few notes in the following weeks..."take Cait to preschool"..."Sarah's orchestra concert"..."so and so's meeting." But then that was it.
Of course she died on the 20th so it was her to do list and activities, etc. leading up to the day she died. What it told me is that she was busy! Not bad busy, but good busy. I felt like many of my to-do lists look a lot like that. I smiled at the familiarity. She was busy because everything was leading up to the events of the day she died. That Sunday, as many of you know, two of my sisters were celebrating their First Communion and my brother and oldest sister were celebrating their Confirmation. There was also a huge party after with family and friends that she was getting everything ready for. It was sad when, inevitably, I flipped past the May 20th page, and the events and writing began to dwindle. There were a few notes in the following weeks..."take Cait to preschool"..."Sarah's orchestra concert"..."so and so's meeting." But then that was it.
Because she was gone.
In the other pocket there was even more. Her glasses. Her lipstick. Her pill case with all her pills still untouched. Her wallet with her credit cards and health insurance cards.
My personal favorite was the model of the little 10 week unborn baby that she always took everywhere with her. She never knew when she would have the opportunity to share with others about the absolute gift of life. I had such an amazing mom, am I right??
Then there were the little ironic pieces of the story left behind. Like two cards from friends tucked in the pocket given to her the weekend she died. Like the one that said,
Dear Rutherford family,
We are unable to join you, but would like to offer our congratulations to you. What a special day! Two Confirmations, two Holy Communions, Ed's birthday, and Trish and Ed's anniversary is a lot to celebrate! Have a happy, happy day!
And that my friends, was the day she died. Every ounce of celebration turned to absolute mourning.
I miss her so much. I have cried a lot since discovering this piece of her life. I am touching what she touched. I am reliving parts of her final days. My heart breaks all over again. And I know my heart will never stop breaking. It comes over and over in waves.
Motherhood seems to have only made it harder. I love my children so very, very much. So much it hurts. And with every interaction I have with them, I realize to the full extent what I am missing out on. No one loves like a mother. No one hurts for me the way I hurt for my children.
And the truth is that it makes me sad.
I know we all have a story. And we all have our paths to sanctity and our roads of suffering. And this is mine. Sometimes I am able to embrace it. But other times the pain takes over.
I remind myself at times like these that it is a gift to have been loved so ferociously, even if the earthly love wasn't for long. I saw a mother and daughter having a garage sale last weekend and another wave hit me. They just looked like they were having fun and enjoying time together and laughing. I longed for that. I almost approached them and told them what a beautiful gift they have. I restrained...but I thought it!
Above all I thank God for these little pieces of my mother that He continues to expose me to. She was wonderful. And even though she isn't here anymore, I still get to call her mine!
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| This was taken probably 5 years ago when Cole and I went to visit my mom's grave. |
